This time last week, our family was participating in rest. Well…according to our definition of the word…sightseeing, playing on the beach, trying new restaurants, and taking in the ocean in South Carolina. In was a quick trip, but so good for us.
I love that kind of rest. Because really, I’m not very good at resting according to the actual definition. Resting to me is staying busy. Getting things accomplished. Having fun. Seeing. Doing. Living. Do I always feel “rested” during those times? No. But I’m not sure that’s always a bad thing. However, I do know that my life often lacks the rest that God Himself modeled for us.he rested after creating. He commanded the Israelites to take a day of rest because they never had that freedom to do so while in slavery in Egypt. Jesus woke early to pray and be alone. Rest is important to God.
There have been few times in my life where I have been absolutely forced to rest. The actual act of not doing. And I have to be honest…it’s hard. It feels weak. I contribute nothing to my household during rest. I do not like it. I ask myself over and over, “where is the joy in the rest?”
Since about week 20-22 of this pregnancy I’ve been monitored for marginal placenta previa. There has been no concern because the plan all along has been to deliver these babies by repeat c-section. Of course I’ve been told to take it easy, don’t lift heavy objects, don’t mow the lawn, among other restrictions. I’ve taken them seriously and have been careful.
Wednesday I entered by 30th week. That night while Nathan and I prayed I specifically asked God to, by His will, let me make it through this pregnancy without any bed rest. Two hours later, I woke up to gushing blood and by 10am on Thursday morning, we were on our way to the Labor & Delivery triage unit at the hospital. I felt defeated. I felt confused. I looked calm on the outside, but on the inside, I was not happy. I wanted all of this to stop. I wanted to go home. But I had to stay. And rest.
I did not sleep well. I don’t think I slept at all really. I was angry that God had so obviously denied my request to skip bed rest. I wanted to be better than bed rest. And then I realized when I had prayed, I really wasn’t asking for His will…it sounded like it, but I wasn’t. I wanted my way. The easy way. The stronger way. I do remember in the middle of the night, in my magnesium drip induced stupor praying “ok Lord. Whatever You want, that’s what I want to want too…because right now I don’t. I don’t want nicu babies. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to be alone in a hospital room laying down while my husband is at home doing everything. But help me to want what You want.”
I’m still here. I’m still resting. And it’s still hard. I’m taking comfort knowing that He will grow me through this. He disciplines those He loves. I don’t claim to be taking joy out of this trail, but I want to. In the grand scheme of eternity, I don’t see how this makes a difference, but I know He has a plan that I can rest in and trust. And that’s where my heart is right now.
Some facts: the babies are doing great. They are little rock stars. They are estimated to be weighing between 3-3.5 lbs each.
I’ve had a steroid injection to help increase their lung growth in case of early delivery. I’ve also had a magnesium drip to promote brain development (in case of early delivery) and decrease contractions that I was having.
My bleeding (which was caused by the previa) is still being monitored. It doesn’t sound like they will want to send me home with that going on so I’ve been told to expect to stay through the weekend.
I’ve had a consult with a nicu nurse practitioner to discuss what it might look like if the babies were born sometime soon. She was very optimistic about how they are looking now and how their time would be at the nicu should that happen.
Overall, things are going well and I know the Lords hand is on us all, no matter what.
Highlights of my stay so far:
Getting food. Above is the first real food I had in over 12 hours…and it was the best.
Knowing the babies are doing their thing and doing it well.
Having Nathan and the kids come visit me…although when they leave I always cry. It’s weird how you can miss things about your kids that you thought flat out annoyed you. Hey, just being honest. I get annoyed at my kids. I shouldn’t, but I do. But I found some of those things to be wonderful today during their visit. Perspective.
Getting some quiet alone time to listen to The Lord and pour out my heart to Him. Rest is very good for that.
Thats the latest on our family and how I’m doing/feeling. As always, we your appreciate prayers.
I’ll post more as changes arise. Hugs to you friends.