As of today, I’ve been hospital-bound for 19 days. But…I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Lord willing, on July 9th around 5:30pm, two more people will join our family. As difficult as it has been being here for this amount of time, I know The Lord will not return void on this time. I’ve experienced thoughts and emotions that I did not anticipate during my few weeks here. One that I’ve had most recently is a reflective, almost grief-like feeling as I think about our family becoming six people.
Nathan and I have been married 10 years. Were we married young and were in no rush to have children…which I am grateful for that time we had as just two. When we felt The Lord telling us to start family, we had our expectations of what that would look like, but God knows best. Two became four. We talked of having a third when A&H turned two, but after praying we felt The Lord say “no” and we thought that “no” meant to pursue adoption. We didn’t pursue it with all our energy because we also heard “wait”. Then in January of 2014, it was clear to us The Lord was moving us to Ohio. We were glad we didn’t pursue adoption prior to that, but when we had been in Ohio a couple months I started to feel like something was missing in our family. After seeking counsel and praying together, we decided to look into foster-to-adopt in Ohio. We also felt The Lord telling us to get off birth control and just trust. So we did both, looked into foster to adopt….and whatever happens, happens! I was sure we were heading down the foster to adopt road around November of 2014 when we found out we were expecting. This pregnancy has been far from easy. My word for 2015 is “weakness” and The Lord has really been working on my heart in these months of absolute weakness. And I know He’s not done.
Enter the grieving feelings.
These two. They made me a mom almost 5 years ago. It’s gone by so fast. I’ve learned so much about my own heart because of them. My struggles and short-comings and sin are magnified by a million by becoming a mom. But I also get a picture of Gods heart that I had never seen before by being a parent. I could say a lot more…but I’m straying from my point.
I know that when they leave my hospital room this evening, that’s the last time I will see them as my two kiddos…next time I see them…there will be four.
I have no experience at all with parenting more than two kids, not to mention I come from a family with only two kids. I don’t have a sister, so I have no experience with sister relationships. I don’t know how to cook for six people. I don’t know how to have babies and kids at the same time. I don’t know if my relationship with A&H will change…for better or worse because there will be more people for me to look after. And when I’m laying in my bed and these thoughts come and I start to feel the sense of grieving the loss of being a family of four and the weight of my new responsibilities….The Lord gently reminds me “give it to Me. You are weak, I am strong. I have grace to cover you as you walk this road.” And then I pour out my short-comings, anxieties, fears, and grief to Him. While I still don’t know what it will all look like, I am confident He is with me. He gives me peace in those moments when my head is spinning. I am glad He listens and can take those worries of mine, bear them, and speak truth my heart needs to hear.
A&H are such blessings….even though that’s not how my heart always feels…they truly are and I’m honored that The Lord has entrusted us with them. They are wonderful little people. So full of life and joy and energy. I pray having two more siblings only brings them closer to Jesus somehow.
I fully anticipate many moments of craziness ahead of me. And chaos. And lack of silence in my home. But just like these last 5 years have gone by quickly…I know one day all four of these kids will no longer live in our home and things I once found annoying or inconvenient, I will miss. I have been listening to a podcast by Kat Lee, “The Inspired to Action podcast” and she interviews many women who are bloggers, authors or do amazing things, but they all come back to one thing: motherhood. And in her interview with Shauna Neiquest, Shauna said a few things I want to remember: sometimes motherhood is less about doing for and more about doing with. She also said to savor moments…especially ones that have the potential to be frusterating moments. I love the word savor. Anyways…I feel like those two little phrases need to be tattooed on my arms during these next few years of having 4 little people under my care 24/7. I also want to learn how to enjoy God through motherhood…but that’s a whole other topic and blog post 🙂
I love being A&H’s mommy. And I will continue to love it. And I know I will love being E&J’s mommy too….but for now…I am just going through the grieving and reflecting stage of the transition from going from two to four kiddos. And I think that’s ok because once they’re born….once again, we hit the ground running!
Thanks for reading along and praying for us as I’ve been in the hospital. I doubt I will post again before Thursday, but I will try to post details about them shortly after they are born. Thanks again for sticking with us. Hugs to you friends!
And as always…if you have any tips for me going from two to four kids…please pass them along! 🙂