(This post is different then most of my posts. I felt The Lord asking me to allow my heart to be transparent…so here goes)
In the past two weeks our family has undergone some pretty big changes:
•got our home ready/put it on the “rental market”
•Nathan left for Ohio to begin work at AECOM
•the day after he arrived he looked at the two houses we were interested in and that evening we put an offer on the one we felt worked best for our family
•after one counter-offer, they accepted and we were under contract for our new home
•our home was officially rented out one week later
•sold our little Mazda car
•lots of packing
•sold many items on craigslist and lots of purging of items going on
•I flew to Ohio the 13-15 to close on the home and get to know Chillicothe
There’s a lot going on and I admit a lot of times, my head is full of to-dos, get-rid-ofs, did I do that’s, and what-ifs. (Where-is-that? goes thru my head too)
It’s weird trying to live in two different places. My body is present here, and I’m trying to detach my heart in a way. Trying to get it ok with the life I’m about to live. Trying to attach my heart to place that so far has not a lot if meaning to me. (Aside from the fact that my best friend is there and the house we purchased). But I don’t want to fully detach here because this is home and I want to “finish well” in a way. This is all I’ve known. 28 years in the same community. 18 years at the same church. I can drive to the store, church, mall, home on auto-pilot. Soon I will have to learn how to get to where I need to go. Here I walk into a store and chances are I will bump into someone I know. Soon, I will be the stranger, the newbie.
With these thoughts running thru my head I poured out my feelings to The Lord and asked Him “I know You were human. Do You identify with me in this?” He answered “You know I do. I left My Father, My home to come rescue you. I did the hardest thing ever. I had His back turned on Me so that you would never have to experience that. Let Me carry this for you. You are not alone.” Such comfort. Such peace. He knows. He understands.
So while I am unsure of how to feel or what to do most of the time, I am confident of one fact: I have Jesus to hang on to. He never let’s go. He says “Take heart. The fact is Washington, Ohio…this earth is not your Home.”
Thank you friends who have asked how I am. We are taking things one day at a time. I feel like I want to grieve but I often stuff it because it’s easier to just not think about it. So please be patient with me/us. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say, so I just don’t say anything. It’s nothing personal, it’s just hard to put words to my thoughts lately.
Thank you friends who have offered help me. I am not overwhelmed by the packing up of personal belongings…I enjoy going through our things and organizing. I told my friend Hannah the other day it’s the emotional packing I feel overwhelmed by. I have to pack up my church and put it away and not compare other churches to it. I have to pack up this community and put it away and not compare my new one to it. I have to pack up relationships and not expect them to carry me through this. It’s hard to explain and probably makes no sense. The best help anyone can offer right now is distraction. A walk. A trip to Target. A park date. And I’m not saying this is how anyone walking this road will feel. Others may welcome the box packing help. Others need people around all the time. I think one thing The Lord has shown me lately is the best thing I can do for a friend walking a hard road is just to straight out ask “how can I best help you?” and be ready for their honest answer because everyone is different. Don’t offer cliches. Don’t keep asking if they need help. Don’t offer advice (unless asked). I know my road isn’t the hardest thing imaginable. The Lord is working in our lives and I am so grateful for His favor and blessing on us. But I still feel waves of sadness. As our pastor put it on Sunday…I feel flat. I know the feeling won’t last forever and the Lord is at work in my heart right now.
This post may not mean much to anyone but me…but it’s important for me to document this journey The Lord has us on. He created me to feel (as hard as it is for me to express right now), and I know in Ohio there will be days I’m angry at Him for pulling me away from all I’ve ever known. That’s when I want to look back at this and know I need to hold Him dear, not a place. I want to remember all He did to bring us there. I want to remember His Hand and perfect timing. I post pictures on my Instagram feed to document all the “milestones”: lasts, firsts, joys, sorrows, goodbyes and hellos because I want to remember. It’s how I process. So thanks for being patient with me as I process and document this experience.
I don’t know who will read this or what you’re walking right now…no matter what it is: cling to Jesus. He is the friend who understands. He won’t forget you. He won’t let you down. I know it sounds churchy, but right now He’s Who is carrying me, my husband, my kids…my burdens. And He is good.
He gives. He takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. (Job1:21)